The Fuhrer has Facebook!
by Jet Nebula
Summary: Total and complete spoof. What would happen if the Fuhrer  and everyone else in the FMA universe  had Facebook? What would status messages say? Relationships? Wall posts? Pictures? This story is hopefully what is a good laugh, or at least a chuckle.


Author's Note :: This is a complete and total 100% spoof, so if you're looking for something serious – don't read any further, because you're not going to get it. This basic idea was born out of a really boring International Economics class two years ago that I had with Automailjunkie44. I'm not even sure how the conversation started, but it blew up from there…and we always promised that one of us would turn it into a fic. And now that I find myself bored between classes I'm doing just that…

Disclaimer :: I don't own the characters, or FMA in general, or Facebook for that matter. Probably wouldn't be writing this if I did.

And with that I give you this warning – BEWARE. The Fuhrer has Facebook!

**Chapter One : A New Friend Request?**

_Login: _ – _Password: _********

**New Friend Request: **Fuhrer King Bradley

"…what? The Fuhrer has FACEBOOK?"

Edward Elric simply stared at his laptop screen for several long moments, his mouth visibly agape. Facebook had hit Amestris a few years previously, and by now it seemed that everyone had it – well, almost everyone. Many of the older citizens still withheld support for being online and being so 'exposed' to everyone else. And there were some people that one just assumed would never have any interest in creating an online profile full of nonsense that kept everyone else updated on what was 'important' in one's life. Fuhrer King Bradley fell into _both _of those categories – or so the Fullmetal Alchemist as assumed…

Ed scratched his head, considering his options. Of course, he could accept the Fuhrer's friend request, but it was really weird to consider Bradley looking through pictures of him, or reading his status updates, or writing messages on his wall – after all, he was the leader of their country and of the military. Facebook still seemed like it should be somewhat personal despite the fact that being online always lent a strange, surreal feeling to one's conversations and internet exchanges, but still. Ed didn't exactly see the Fuhrer as his 'friend' per say.

But somehow the option of ignoring the friend request seemed like an even worse option. The Fuhrer would probably remember that he had sent a friend request to the young alchemist, after all, and if he didn't see a positive response within a few days, he may begin to question why he had not gotten an affirmative response. What if he was with one of his underlings who had Facebook who then saw that Edward had been online? He might be able to speculate that the friend request had thus been ignored, and Ed didn't really want the military leader on his bad side…what if he even questioned him about it in REAL life? How could he respond? What could he say that wouldn't sound suspicious and terrible?

This really was a dilemma.

In a bit of a panic, Ed's brown eyes quickly flicked down to the bottom corner of the screen towards the chat option. Thankfully, exactly the person that he wanted to talk to was online.

_Edward: _Winry! I need to talk to you.

_Winry: _Oh hey Ed. I was just going to click on your name. Did you see Miss Hawkeye's and the Colonel's status?

_Edward: _Listen Winry, I've got to ask you something first.

_Winry_: You've GOT to go and look! It's right at the top of my news feed – it definitely means something!

Edward knew he was not going to get anywhere unless he first listened to her request – Winry had always been so stubborn after all, and he didn't really feel like he had the energy to argue with her at the moment. Reluctantly he typed Roy Mustang's name into the search bar, and then clicked on the Colonel's profile. And there, sure enough at the top of his page…

_Roy Mustang has changed his status from 'Single' to 'In a Relationship.'_

The Fullmetal Alchemist rolled his eyes – was that really all that Winry was worked up about? Mustang's status constantly changed between that and 'single' or 'in an open relationship,' the latter of which always disgusted Ed a bit. As a matter of fact, despite the fact that the new update had been posted the previous night, no one had even 'liked' it, and the only comment was from Lieutenant Breda reading "…" No one really cared any more, including Ed.

He noticed that Winry's chat window was blinking, and he quickly opened it to read what she had said.

_Winry: _WELL? Did you SEE it yet?

_Edward: _Yeah, I saw that Mustang has another new girlfriend. It's really not that big of a deal Winry. How long have you two been friends on here? He changes it all the time.

_Winry: _Edward. I told you to look at Miss Hawkeye's page too. Did you do that yet?

_Edward: _...

_Edward: _I'm doing it now…

Ed let out a heavy sigh, momentarily forgetting about the entire ordeal with the Fuhrer as he tried to figure out what was working Winry up to much. He slowly typed in Riza Hawkeye into the search bar this time, navigating to her profile. And there, sure enough right at the top of her news feed…

_Riza Hawkeye has changed her status from 'Single' to 'It's Complicated.'_

For a moment Ed just blinked, unsure why this was so exciting – and then it hit him. Hawkeye's status _never _changed. She was hardly ever online, as a matter of fact – the most recent post besides her relationship change was from over two weeks ago, when her friend Rebecca had written on her wall, "Riza, I miss you! Get online sometime so we can catch up!" which only further proved the fact that when Riza did something to her Facebook page, it was a big deal. Already ten people had 'liked' the update, and there were many comments of, "Call me," and "?" posted below it, but she had not answered any of them. Had anyone else made the possible connection that Winry had made?

Maybe it wasn't a real connection, though. Of course Mustang and Riza were hardly ever apart from one another, but they had grown up together or something and were best friends, not to mention co-workers. Plus, Riza seemed to be Mustang's keeper. Without her, he would probably fail as a leader, an alchemist, a person in general…Ed could not even remember how many times he had seen the blonde woman bail that man out of a problem, always with a straight face. And while sometimes it did seem painfully obvious that Mustang liked her, the feelings never seemed to be reciprocated in a romantic way. Riza was far too stoic, to detached, too unemotional…

…but was it really that inevitable?

Wait. Why did Ed even CARE? This was Mustang, after all – he didn't care about anything that idiot did, and he felt better just staying out of whatever Riza's personal business was. Besides, their possible speculative relationship wasn't that exciting of news. It might not even be real. Plus, it still seemed to be fairly one-sided even if it was – their profiles weren't even linked, after all, and that was a bad sign. Or maybe Riza wanted to keep it a secret. Or maybe…

Again, why did he care?

_Edward_: Yeah, I saw them both. It's really not that big of a deal.

_Winry: _You would say that, Ed. Come on – you have to admit that it's exciting! Everyone has been waiting for this!

_Edward: _I haven't been.

_Winry: _Okay, fine. Everyone BUT you has been waiting for this. You're just too callous to appreciate it.

_Edward: _No, I just hate Mustang too much to care about it.

_Winry: _Edward!

_Edward: _Can I ask you about what I wanted to originally before you had to pull Mustang's love life into the conversation?

_Winry: _…I guess so.

_Edward: _I got a friend request this morning. From Fuhrer King Bradley.

_Winry: _WHAT? The Fuhrer….has FACEBOOK?

_Edward: _Apparently.

_Winry: _Well….are you going to accept it?

_Edward: _That was what I wanted to ask you about.

Winry was silent for a long time, and Ed grew impatient. This was one thing he really hated about chatting online – when there was a long pause, you didn't know what the other person was thinking, or doing. She could even be suddenly away from her computer for all he knew, which was extremely frustrating. Finally, though, the small script of '_Winry is writing…'_ appeared and he felt a wave of relief.

_Winry: _I would accept it, Ed. You wouldn't want him to know that you ignored it.

_Edward: _Yeah, that's what I was worried about too. But I don't really want Bradley looking through my pictures and…stuff.

_Winry: _You shouldn't have anything posted that you wouldn't want others to see…right?

_Edward: _...

_Winry: _Edward!

_Edward: _I don't have anything bad Winry, calm down, it's just weird! But okay…I guess I have to accept it, I don't really have another option. I wonder who he found me through anyway…

Then, as if on cue, another window began to blink at the bottom of Ed's page – Roy Mustang. Ed rolled his eyes, wondering just what the Colonel wanted to tell him. When he used Facebook chat, it was usually something pointless and annoying. Probably wanted to tell him about his new girlfriend or whatever he had – Ed refused at this point to believe that it could ever possibly be Riza out of stubbornness – and he really didn't want to hear Mustang's strange stories, especially since he never seemed to hold much of anything back when he was online. The internet really did make people unprofessional sometimes.

However, when Ed clicked on the blinking box, that wasn't quite what Roy was telling him.

_Roy_: Hey Ed, did the Fuhrer find you? I suggested you as a friend to him when he made his account the other day.

The blonde teen glared angrily at the computer screen – it WOULD be Mustang that had just put him right into the middle of this dilemma! Again. Like always.

_Edward: _Yeah. He did. I should have guessed it was you.

Author's Note :: Okay, yeah, not sure how that turned out but I'm fairly proud considering I did it between classes. Anyway, hoping to continue this if people want to read more, but up for suggestions! Whose page gets creeped next? Everyone from the FMA universe is a potential, because if the Fuhrer has Facebook, then _anyone _might!


End file.
